geminintp: The Signs and Hiding Their Emotions Doesn’t: Cancer, Leo, Sagittarius Tries but is…


The Signs and Hiding Their Emotions

Doesn’t: Cancer, Leo, Sagittarius

Tries but is bound to fall apart sooner or later: Pisces, Aries, Libra

Hides it well, only the people closest to them know how they really feel: Taurus, Aquarius, Capricorn

Fucking pro, they could be dying inside and no one knows: Virgo, Gemini, Scorpio



I acknowledge your apology and appreciate it but it does not make things better: Aries, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn, Pisces

I recognize the council has made an apology, but given that it is a stupid ass apology, I have elected to ignore it: Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius

the signs as john mulaney quotes



Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]


“In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Gemini: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”


“I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”

Leo: “Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”

Virgo: “This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery.


“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”


‘No,’ I said. You know, like a liar.”

Sagittarius: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”

Capricorn:  “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

Aquarius: “‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian’”

Pisces: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”


Normal Horoscope:


Aries: All symphonies, whether they be harmonious or discordant, will end.

Taurus: Even the prettiest roses have thorns, some things are worth the nicks and scratches aren’t they?

Gemini: You best is all anyone can ask for, but that doesn’t seem to stop them does it? Nod, smile, agree, then do whateverthefuck you were gonna do anyway.

Cancer: Rome wasn’t built in a day and a lot of the people building it had second thoughts over whether it was going to be a nice place to hang out or not. Give yourself time, you have plenty.

Leo: Bravery is a rare thing, but it can often be substituted for a combination of stupidity, stubbornness, and sheer blind luck. 

Virgo: Just because there is enough dead skin in your mattress to build a second you doesn’t mean you should. That would be fucking weird.

Libra: The stars think you’re a pretty cool cat. Print out this horoscope as an official certificate of coolness.

Scorpio: A rolling stone gathers no moss, and with modern technology you can buy moss by the pound for like 39.99 a bag. 

Ophiuchus: Everything you know is probably wrong, but that won’t really change anything about the world so there’s no reason to worry.

Sagittarius: The stars know you’re having a hard time. Just know that the world can only hit you one day at a time. Try not to let thoughts of tomorrow ruin today. It’ll be here when it gets here.

Capricorn: Today I gave myself a second degree burn by spilling throat coat tea on my hand. What may soothe one problem may cause redness, blisters, and rashes for another.

Aquarius: Tonight is the perfect night to take tasteful nudes under cover of the starlight and never show them to anyone but yourself. The stars shine for nobody, but they are still beautiful.

Pisces: The problem with setting yourself on fire to keep others warm isn’t that it hurts. Its that eventually, you burn out.